Archive for October, 2010

Quick Pause

Hey all – I had to take a slight pause for a variety of reasons,  I will be back next week 🙂

In the meantime – pray with your spouse.  It can change your lives and your marriage.

One can put 1000 to flight, 2 can put 10,000!

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Marriage Truth – The 5 love languages

One of my sisterfriends introduced this book to me while I was dating my husband. Shortly thereafter, while I was engaged, my pastor did a study on “The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman and I was blown away by the information I found out.

If you aren’t familiar with the book:

After many years of counseling, Dr. Chapman noticed a pattern: everyone he had ever counseled had a “love language,” a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. He also discovered that, for whatever reason, people are usually drawn to those who speak a different love language than their own.

 The Five Love Languages are –

• Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

 • Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

• Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

 • Acts of Service

 Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

• Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

 http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/

Terence and I took the assessment and found out we were both bilingual and we shared one language. I was primarily Word of Affirmation, then Physical Touch (I swear he converted me to this language, LOL) and he was primarily Physical Touch, then Acts of Service. It was interesting to note that we shared a language and that’s why I believe, even when we’re arguing and all else fails, he can reach out and grab my hand, or pull me close and hug me and almost everything is instantly better. And since we’re both share the language of physical touch, we don’t have to THINK about communicating that way. BUT (you know it was coming), I’m not always in touch with my other language and neither is Terence. There are times were we don’t want to touch (okay, I don’t want to touch – he pretty much ALWAYS wants to touch! see last week’s post, LOL) I want to be talked to and he can’t understand WHY I didn’t make up the bed this morning (Acts of Service) and I’m looking at him like he’s got three horns coming out of his head.

 I can sit here right now and tell you, ‘why yes my husband and I took the assessment and we’re bilingual, blah blah blah” but in the midst of an argument aka “intense fellowship” the last thing you’re thinking about is what love language you’re communicating in! So then, what do you do when you get into those moments of disagreements and no one is talking in a way the other can understand?

That’s a hard question and I don’t have an easy answer. The long answer is – you have to try to remember these types of things when things are going good. You won’t always be perfect…Lord knows I’m not, but I’m waaay better than I used to be. My thing is, I try to remember at least ONE thing/characteristic of my husband’s languages and show him that ONE thing, every day of the week. For him, it’s small as making up the bed everyday, or unplugging my flat iron or putting a new toilet paper roll on the metal thingy when I use it up (I cannot make this stuff up – these have been serious arguments in the Gibson household). For me – it’s TALKING to me. Terence, fortunately, got this really early on (I think it’s from growing up with two women in his household). He ALWAYS tells me he loves me everyday, tells me I’m beautiful most days, and shares something that affirms my soul, spirit and mind on a constant basis.

The funny thing is, it’s crazy how these two VERY opposite things = love to both of us. Terence feels most loved when I’m doing some act of service that benefits him or the household and I feel most loved when he tells me over and over again in different ways. And we both speak the same language when it comes to touch, hugs, and kisses. The main thing you have to keep in mind is, just because that doesn’t mean love to YOU, doesn’t mean it doesn’t mean love to your spouse. If you do it enough – so it will become easier and you won’t have to think “how can I say this in a way that he/she will understand and appreciate” so much. It will become more natural. After a year plus, I’ve finally started putting the toilet paper on the roll, 3 times outta 5. He knows I’m trying…so he tends to ignore the other 2 times I forget 🙂

Marriage Truth – The way to your man’s heart

Yes….it’s food.  And. Sex. 

Actually, it’s mostly sex…

In fact – let’s just say, IT’S JUST SEX!

That sounds primitive, I know, but I’ve found it to be so true.  While sex isn’t the ONLY way to your husband’s heart, this is one of the most important.

I will be honest and say I had a hard time with the level of IMPORTANCE my husband placed on sex.  As a woman who grew up in the church, sex is an issue that is usually rarely addressed in the pulpit.  If, it is ever addressed, its rarely talked about as good (unless you’re at a marriage conference, something where most single people aren’t really invited).  We’re told over and over again, to abstain, not to fornicate, etc.

One article says, “Growing up, sex wasn’t talked about very much. Not at home, not with family, and certainly not in church! There, the very mention of the word would have turned ears to scarlet and had the deacons popping antacid pills. Sure, every year the youth group did a “True Love Waits” program, but we never got down to the real nitty-gritty. We dutifully signed cards and pledged to “wait for true love and marriage” – whatever that meant.  Many Christian youth today are in the same rapidly sinking boat. They have plenty of questions, but not enough people willing to give answers. Or worse, the wrong kind of people are giving the wrong kind of answers.  For those getting no answers, sex turns into “This Great Mystery.” (http://www.crosswalk.com/marriage/11532504/)

Then you DO get married and its like, you’ve never been taught EXPLICITLY, from a Biblical perspective the place of sex in your marriage.  And since its such a hush-hush topic, a lot of times you never know how much it connects you to your mate.

The same article stated it well – “After the wedding, one of the hardest things for young Christian couples to adjust to is the fact that sex is suddenly – okay! All the years of silence on the “forbidden topic,” all the years of feeling guilty for asking questions, all the years of wondering and dreaming, all the years of thinking sex as a “four letter word,” suddenly diminish. Sex is expected, allowed, and not only that, but – gasp – it’s a part of God’s plan! ” (http://www.crosswalk.com/marriage/11532504/)

Fortunately for me, my husband and I began attending a great church (shout out Jericho City of Praise!!) together when we were engaged and throughout our first year of marriage that constantly talks about the subject of sex, especially within the marriage, the way God intended it.  Even being under all of that great teaching and instruction, I STILL had to shed all of my previous notions of sex and now approach it as something that’s enjoyable, something that brings me and my husband closer together and something that we can constantly improve and explore 😉

I was reading the “Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartain and she was saying that a wife’s ministry of sex is extremely important to her husband’s BEING.  I was completely blown away when she put it that.  Sure, sex is nice and it feels good, but being important to his BEING??? That was amazing to me. Eye-opening honestly. I never knew it meant THAT much to them (men).  She said that often, if the wife isn’t ministering to her husband sexually, it can affect his ability to think clearly at work, his decision-making etc.

Even as my husband JUST leaned over and said, “what are you typing about today babe” and I said, “sex in a marriage and how important it is!” He states, “well I’m here, if you need to research…I mean, I’m here, ready..” and starts to laugh (only he’s NOT joking)! This is something that I had really to learn and appreciate about my husband.  He LOVES to express himself with me intimately.  Instead of me saying, “I’m sleepy, ” or “AGAIN??,” or “I’m writing baby,” I’ve learned to love this fact about him and relish our moments of intimacy we have together. 

Not that it was an easy road.  One of the challenges that many young married couples will face is getting on the ‘page’ with the frequency of sex you’re having.  If I can be frank, sometimes he wants it 3 times a DAY and you want it more like 3 times a WEEK!  This is where communication has to be paramount! You have to clearly compromise with each other.  Both the husband and wife should aim to try to please each other more than themselves.  It sounds hard, but it works out so well – because sometimes he’ll give or you’ll give and you can have a sex life where you’re both getting your needs met.

Also, from a women’s perspective, do something to make yourself feel beautiful! I’ve found that when I’m feeling gorgeous, beautiful, pretty, cute, sexy, sassy, etc. I’m much more prone to have a good time with my hubby in a way he can appreciate. 

Lastly, be honest with each other and work on it.  You’re level of intimacy can ALWAYS be improved.  I’ve learned the little things really go a long way.  Once you begin to give to each other, you will see such a change in your couple dynamic and level of closeness. 

I really could go on and on and on…but I will end with this SEX IN YOUR MARRIAGE IS GREAT and it’s really important to your hubby (and you too).  Increase your level of intimacy and watch the results! #marriagetruth